i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
