Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
