Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize