my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
