I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
