his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize