did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
