The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
