I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
