You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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