JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
