At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
