I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
