DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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