There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
