I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
