before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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