Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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