don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
