I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
