I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
