then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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