It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
