you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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