i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
