I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
