when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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