i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
