I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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