My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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