I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
