saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
