Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
