Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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