Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
