haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
