Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
