I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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