so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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