i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
