my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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