nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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