he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
