Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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