I faked an abortion last night.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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