why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
