When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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