Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
