Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
