East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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