I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have fence marks all over my body
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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