i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
