You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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