I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm having to shit out rocks
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
