I have demons in me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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