the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
