Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
