ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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