tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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