Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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