i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
