so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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