its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
