All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
