Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
