So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He keeps bees of course he's weird
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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